you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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