oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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