It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
