our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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