just come out here and I will go home with you...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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