i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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