it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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