I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
