Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
