Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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