ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
me + whiskey = a bad person
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
