Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
