She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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