i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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