I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize