turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize