so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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