Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
