I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
