Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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