His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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