Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
