Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
