Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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