After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
