i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
