Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
