I'm lost and stupid without you.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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