theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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