things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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