dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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