They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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