See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize