My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
