you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
