He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
