My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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