he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
