I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
