She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
