did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
