JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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