there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
