Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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