Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
