Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize