my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
