I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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