Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
