my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
