At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
