phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
