Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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