My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
