If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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