You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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