Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
