I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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