cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
