Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
