i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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