I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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