its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
