And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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