I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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