If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize