I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
