Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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