did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
