I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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