Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize